Love at first sight is likely a improbability based more on dysfunction than any normal state of relational affairs. Part of the problem is due to language. The word "love" covers too much ground--describes too many feelings. All love is not equal and much that we call love is not really love at all. At least not love in its more idealistic spiritualistic form.
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| A young woman and man embracing while outdoors. (Photo credit: Wikipedia) |
Sometimes we think of love as a feeling, but actually the feelings are the product of that which we define as love. More appropriately love might be considered to be a state of mind, an attitude, that evolves through time, trials of the heart, and a patient acceptance between two disparate souls. Beyond this love can be many more things as infinite as there are lovers. Each case its own and often being shaped by forces from outside the relationship. Love entails sacrifice and sacrifice is an alien entity to an often fragile ego.
Oh, but it all feels so good--the first encounter, the fantasy, the first contact and first kiss and everything else that comes along the way in the early stages of a relationship. Maybe that's why some couples like fighting and then making up--it's like that feeling of new love all over again and then again. This might also call into question what those types of people are looking for the most--a specific person or the exhilaration of a new situation.
Serial monogamy is about the ego of the person bouncing from one relationship to the next. For that person commitment gets old, but that first entrance into a relationship is a rush like a powerful drug. New love might feel good for a while, but when the feeling wears off another rush is needed. The feeling of that crazy thing we so often call love can be an addiction. Not healthy for the mind and spirit, but some people can't help themselves. Real love requires work, devotion, and sacrifice.
Feelings can be great deceivers. There are so many songs about feelings--feelings connected with love or some concept called love. My upcoming song is about feelings. Some might be disturbed about my song choice, but it's a song that has had me hooked over the past month or so. Or some might be more disturbed by the original artist. Hopefully you will enjoy my song pick as much as I do, but I've made a few unpopular picks in the past and maybe this will be another one of those. I hope not.
Do you think the feeling of new love is a deceit that can misguide us in a relationship? What do you think is the most important part of a love relationship? Do you want to venture a guess as to my upcoming song choice?
Feelings are fleeting. Real love isn't a feeling, it's a dedicated friendship that requires work. When the feeling of love fades, that deeper connection is needed.
ReplyDeleteAlex, love is often so trivialized in our society that we misinterpret the feelings when we think we are in love.
DeleteLee
I'm 5 years into my relationship w/ my husband and I still get the butterflies. I've never loved anyone as much as I love him. Or him with me. Takes a lot of compromise and communication...there's always a learning curve w/ relationships. He & I have virtually nothing in common which is weird. My first husband and I had everything in common and were best friends....we had a lot of laughs, but we were more like roommates.
ReplyDeleteJoJo, you make important points in your comment. I guess when the learning curve seems to end then we need to spur new things onward to keep learning. In love or in life we should never stop learning.
DeleteLee
Hi, Lee!
ReplyDeleteIn our culture and in popular songs, "love" is often used as a code word for sexual attraction. Wearing the blinders of sexual attraction clouds our judgement and leads us into poor choices and dysfunctional relationships. To me the litmus test for true love is to remove sex from the equation entirely and take a good hard look at what you have left. Examples of true love are the unconditional love of a mother for a child, the love of a man for his dog and the faith based love of a higher power.
"Do you want to venture a guess as to my upcoming song choice?"
I have it narrowed down to two distinct possibilities:
1) "Feelings" by Morris Albert
2) "Ain't Gonna Bump No More (With No Big Fat Woman)" by Joe Tex
I look forward to your next battle, good buddy Lee!
Shady, cultural usage is the worst offender of trivializing our verbal expression. You're so right about that coded replacement of love for lust. Once the initial thrill is gone is something we need to consider before diving headlong into a relationship.
DeleteYou might be closer on your #2 guess, but #1 is a good one based on my clues. I think you might appreciate my upcoming song pick.
Lee
The most annoying saying that I've heard is 'Love means never having to say you're sorry'. I think that's from Love Story isn't it? Well, I believe that saying sorry to a loved one is sometimes necessary. Being able to admit wrong doing to a loved one is all part of nurturing a deeper understanding of one another. Don't you think? I've been with my husband for almost 17 years and we are still learning about each other. As Alex writes, it takes work. But I wouldn't have it any other way :)
ReplyDeleteNicola, I'm no fan of the Love Story quote--such pap. My June 1st BOTB song will be getting in that territory as will an upcoming post here. A successful relationship should be an adventure of continuous mutual discovery and growth.
DeleteLee
The song that comes to mind is Morris Albert's "Feelings" but there are a myriad of love songs that talk about feelings so it would be like taking a stab in the dark to pick the right one.
ReplyDeleteMary
Jingle Jangle Jungle
Mary, when I start thinking of songs about "feeling" I start coming up with so many of them. I guess it's probably one of the most commonly used song themes.
DeleteLee
I think we try to use one word, love, to covers so many different types of feeling and emotions which can't necessarily be put into the same category.
ReplyDeleteI quite like your definition - "More appropriately love might be considered to be a state of mind, an attitude, that evolves through time, trials of the heart, and a patient acceptance between two disparate souls."
Ellen, I guess mostly "love" is one of those all purpose words that we usually get one the one using it is saying in the context they are saying it. I try to avoid saying I love certain things like a type of food or a movie, but sometimes it's just an expedient way of expressing what I'm feeling about something.
DeleteLee
The moment I saw this man at a dance I said to my friend"I'm going to marry him". She thought me mad until two years later I indeed marry him.
ReplyDeleteWe had thrity five happy years togrther.
Strange but true.
Interesting post to read Lee.
Yvonne.
Yvonne, I know things like this can happen and do happen in many cases, but the actual "love" doesn't come about until we have learned about that person more and come to a level of appreciation and acceptance for that person. I think that "love at first sight" is better seen in retrospect than at the moment it happens.
DeleteLee
"Real love requires work, devotion, and sacrifice." That's for sure! Too many people confuse love with infatuation and when the initial attraction wears off, they wonder what happened. Since you're not "Mr. Obvious", then I'm thinking you won't be going with "Feelings" by Morris Albert. ☺ Too many other choices to make a guess.
ReplyDeleteDebbie D., love can be a lot of work, but as with any worthwhile work the end result is worth the effort. "Feelings" does seem to be the most obvious choice and I won't say that it's not the song, but you are right about there being so many songs about feelings. There really are a lot!
DeleteLee
Love was never sweeping and romantic for me. Oh, not to say that my husband isn't romantic, because he is. I just had a rough time with romance before I met him. My first love said, "I have no romantic interest in you." The guys I asked to girl's choice dances always said no. I didn't get a boyfriend until I was 22, and that was more like a parent/child relationship. So my husband swept me off my feet with his sheer existence. Guess it's been good, since it'll be 10 years next month!
ReplyDeleteLoni, sometimes I think people try to force love to come before it's ready and are disappointed when things don't turn out as they hoped. Love often catches us by surprise.
DeleteLee
I think my concept of love has descended out of the superficial heart pounding puppy stuff over the years. In fact, descended so much that sometimes I wonder if it's active at all. Until something bad happens and feelings come to the fore, anyway.
ReplyDeleteCW, that was one heck of a feat of grammar or something.
DeleteLee
Lee, New love can be deceiving or misinterpreted. It pays to be careful who you give your heart to and while everything you said is true, the heart of true love is ones best friend, IMO and this is precisely how I feel about DH. True love...lasting love develops over time. Now, I'm eager to see what song choice you have for BoTB.
ReplyDeleteCathy, I'll be interested to see what reactions I get from my song choice.
DeleteLee
Lee, you've peaked my interest. I can't wait to see what you bring to the table.
DeleteMy ex and I started dating and quickly fell into a relationship that both of us thought was love. He asked me to marry him and I said Yes...but it quickly became apparent that we weren't REALLY in love. When we got together we both just needed each other, and that was what our love was based on. We love each other tremendously now because we're best friends and that is real love.
ReplyDeleteI said it before and I'll say it again: I don't like being in love. It messes with my head too much. But then again, those loves have always been fleeting and not "the real deal", so to speak. Still, I shy away from love...
Michele at Angels Bark
Michele, I can understand being mistrustful about love. I enjoy marriage when it's good and fortunately my life is very nice now.
DeleteI really thought that my second wife was going to be "the one". We were married for 10 years that seemed wonderful to me. Then it all just got weird. Now I'm much better off than I probably would have been had we stayed together.
Lee
I've never felt love at first sight, its always been the slow maturing kind of love... and unlove. Infatuation might be a better word for that impetuous feeling, although perhaps there was one relationship that sparked into life - except I was blind to the young woman for days before I noticed her. And as I've got older my attitude to 'love' has changed. It feels different now with my second wife, and the feelings now encompass her kids... mixed emotions to coin a cliche.
ReplyDeleteAs for BOTB, I wondered like someone else whether your choice would be the Morris Albert song'Feelings'. But I've now got Nina Simone's version in my head...or is it Ella Fitzgerald or Shirley Bassey. Anyway, with the controversial casting in the upcoming biopic about Nina Simone, maybe you will feature her.
Roland, I do eventually plan to have a battle featuring Nina Simone, but not this time around. But that's a good speculation.
DeleteLee
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pm5a4ifNBvg
ReplyDeleteLarry
Larry, Nice song. How many people have covered this?
DeleteLee
Ella Fitzgerald was truly one of the greats. I will say one small disadvantage of the A to Z is the number of folk who suddenly stop blogging once it is over, which means it is nice to see a few hardy souls still doing their thing. . . . Well done Mr B.
ReplyDeleteRob, hopefully if they stop it's not forever and just for a break. There does seem to be a bit of a blogging lull right now.
DeleteLee
I think that a lot of people base their ideas of love on what they see in the movies, and then when their relationships don't mirror those fairy tales, they become disillusioned with life. I think it's truly best to marry someone you can imagine growing old with (and loving even when you both don't have any teeth!).
ReplyDeleteQuanie, you are probably right about that. We often long for the fantasies we see or read about. We need to be able to roll with the changes real life hands us.
DeleteLee
People think the euphoria of love is love, Give it two years and that euphoria wears off. That's when couple break up because they don't think they are in love anymore since they don't "feel" it.
ReplyDeleteL.Diane, so true. Once real life wakes us up and we start paying the rent and all the other bills love begins to take a different shape.
DeleteLee
Love everlasting is not always the roaring flame it began with, but the warmth in your heart that remains from the embers you never want doused.
ReplyDeleteLovely song by Ella Fitzgerald! I can’t begin to think what song you’ll choose – especially since I heard the long-play version of ‘Paradise by the dashboard light’ this morning ;-)
Diedre, not the song by Meatloaf, but maybe some visitors to my Battle will wish for Meatloaf.
DeleteI like the way you so poetically described the true lasting love.
Lee
I have heard people say they fell in love with a certain pair of running shoes! How abusive is that for the word Love. We hear young girls say they loved the Beatles, love Elvis, love Justin Bieber to the point they faint never mind cry and look rather nuts. I think when we first meet someone everything is new and marvellous and exciting but it is not yet love. It's happiness, lust, eagerness etc... True love s very rare. Probably the closest is a mother to her child even moreso that a father to his child but very close. For love to come, one must enjoy the friendship first and for love to last one must maintain that friendship and be respectful of it. What is wild is that one can actually feel one hates that person at a given moment usually after or during an argument but that feeling is the heat of the emotion. When one puts friendship, trust, respect and work into it then one knows love is there, add sex to it and that is icing on the cake. Does this mean love lasts? Not all the time but this is a good groundwork I think. This is why whole books are written about the topic and we still can scratch our heads. When I think of my former in-laws and my parents who stayed for years until death grabbed one or the other, I feel they knew real love between their partners and they were lucky as hell.
ReplyDelete