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| A network of pain & suffering (Photo credit: looking4poetry) |
Today's post is really just a prelim to my Battle of the Bands post that will be coming tomorrow. It's a bit of a hint of the song I'll be using in my Battle, but with a touch of "controversy" or at least something to gnaw on with your mind.
Does Getting Hurt Make You Better?
An argument is often made that pain and suffering builds character. If we don't know what it's like to be down then we can't understand what real happiness is. Getting hurt emotionally isn't a great feeling, but if we manage to live through it all and eventually get over it we become tougher. We are better for having endured and emerged from the depths of darkness.
We've all been burned in relationships whether it be love, friendship, business, or family. Some people will hold a grudge and never get over their negative feelings about the person who hurt them. But how much does that accomplish? We usually hurt ourselves when we do that. Often the person against whom we hold our grudge doesn't even realize that anything is wrong. Our resentment becomes a useless burden that we carry around draining our energy and stealing our joy.
When we've shed the resentment and get over that bad episode in our life we feel better. Our thoughts are able to turn to more useful enterprises. If we've learned a lesson that helps us in the future then we have experienced self-improvement and demonstrated the inner strength which we are capable of having.
Let's face it. There will always be jerks in the world. We don't have to be one of them.
Do you think that holding a grudge ever improves a situation? Is experiencing pain and suffering good for character building? Do you feel better when you've gotten over a painful situation? What is a positive alternative to feeling angry with someone else? Can you guess what my song pick for tomorrow will be?
Be sure to be here tomorrow for the Battle of the Bands!
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There are people who can't forgive - and the only one it hurts is them.
ReplyDeleteAnd this early in the morning, I have no idea what song you are featuring tomorrow...
"Let's face it. There will always be jerks in the world. We don't have to be one of them."
ReplyDeleteSo very true and, while I'm not a grudge holder, I also don't forget, either.
I think some writers way over do it with the pain and suffering. It gets to be a bit corny.
ReplyDeleteSome people can be jerks just for the sake of being a jerk.
I think that it's better for your mental health in the long term to not hold a grudge but at the same time I'm one of the biggest grudge holders around so that's pretty hypocritical of me. Great post buddy.
ReplyDeleteAlex -- Forgiveness is a release that can give us freedom.
ReplyDeleteJen -- Learning a lesson is the important part. Making the same mistake lays the blame on the one who didn't learn.
Mark -- Remembering is what learning is all about.
Stephen -- I've run into a few of those jerks and wonder what makes them tick. If not for pain and suffering a lot of literature wouldn't exist, but I agree that it is sometimes overdone.
Yeamie -- Well, at least you're a grudge holder with a sense of humor.
Lee
I don't think there's an answer to that question. There are arguments and examples from both sides, both positive and negative.
ReplyDeleteMy head knows I should not hold onto a grudge and I wish I could say I never do but,well, it takes me time to let go, and I thank goodness for time, it really does help me heal because it is true, holding onto anger only hurts me but I cannot tell a lie, it takes me a bit of time to let a hurt go :)
ReplyDeleteI will have to check into tomorrow to see your chosen song. Only one I can think of is "Hurts So Good" by John Mellencamp but I am sure there are a ton more.
I don't hold grudges, but I learn when bad things happen to me. Suffering happens whether we like it or not, and best we learn from it to make sure it doesn't happen again if we can help it.
ReplyDeleteI tell myself that if events in my life had gone differently, I wouldn't be the same person, and I like myself enough to not want to mess with the formula.
ReplyDeleteGood post, Lee!
ReplyDeleteTwo problems that plague most people that took me far too long to get over...
(1) The ability to let go
(2) The ability to forgive (including forgiving one's self)
A bunch of commenters said it already-all that crap we hold onto hurts no one but ourselves.
So let it go!
Besides, someone else is waiting around the corner to piss us off or disappoint us, so we need to make room for THAT baggage!
LC
Holding a grudge it too time consuming and negative. Best to let go.
ReplyDeletePain and suffering doesn't build character; it strengthens it.
Andrew -- I guess you could get plenty of arguments depending on the circumstances of the hurt. However surviving a fall to get back up tells us something about ourselves.
ReplyDeleteLucy -- That's a good song guess.
Christine -- We can't avoid at least a few bad things happening in our lives. And we've all faced situations with other people that have left us disappointed.
Kelly -- That's exactly what I say. If things hadn't gone they way they did we would be different people and it might have turned out worse.
Larry -- I like that philosophy. But couldn't you come up with a song guess. Only one guess so far!
Southpaw-- Yes! Exactly right.
Lee
I can only speak from my own experience, but I recently connected some dots in my own life. I have been involved with too many manipulative people in relationships. I walked away from them believing that 100% of the problem was with them. It wasn't until recently that I figured out that I was ATTRACTED to that sort of person. And then the question became, "Why?"
ReplyDeleteWhen you get to that point you learn something about YOU - the only person you can change. Sometimes it is hard to get the Lesson because so much of the problem seems to be the other person. However, you will never be able to fix THEM. You can only fix yourself so that you are no longer attracted to that sort of person.
Coming to grips with that was HUGE for me.
Long answer: Yes, those bad relationship, even though they were very painful, eventually allowed me to see the pattern so that I could heal ME. It is a long journey, but very worth it. Working on you is always your best investment.
I wouldn't say that pain is a good thing. It's a helpful thing when it occurs and is handled properly, properly being reducing the lingering negative effects the pain can have on one's self.
ReplyDeleteI've know what it's like to truly hate someone and the only person who suffered from my hate was me...not the person I hated. By letting that pain go, I let so much more positive things in my life that couldn't nudge their way in past all the pain I was silly to hold on to.
Again, not good, but helpful and yes, it can be a character builder.
One of the lessons I tried to teach my students is that no one can MAKE you angry. You chose to be angry. It's a conscious choice. It is sometimes so freeing to just decide to not be angry. Not always easy but it is a choice.
ReplyDelete"Hurt So Good" by John Cougar Meloncamp? I'm kidding, but that came to mind. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteYes, suffering builds character, but I don't feel better having faced traumas. I'm more exhausted. I don't believe that things happen for a reason, and I think that belief trivializes the suffering of much of the world. Yet I believe that we make our lives more meaningful as a result of painful experiences.
Thanks for dropping by. You helped give me a nudge to pay a visit. It's always worth my time to read what you have to say, Arlee.
Be well.
xoRobyn
Robin -- Thank you for your deeply personal comment. I think you bring up a very important point.
ReplyDeleteAngela -- I know what you're saying because I've been there too. I used "good" because it is one of the song hints.
Susan GK -- Exactly. That is what is taught in the school of rational thinking. We have to accept the responsibility that is ours.
Robyn-- My clues would have worked very well for "Hurt So Good". Traumatic times can be very exhausting, but over the long range period I think we put them in different perspective and if we are wise we will use what we learn to our advantage. Glad you stopped by.
Lee
Excellent post. Is it, "I will Survive?"
ReplyDeleteI can understand happiness just fine without pain. Personally, I don't see how it helps you--learn a lesson? I guess so. I'll pass, thank you. :-)
ReplyDeleteAs for grudges, I don't hold grudges or have time for people who do.
So long as a person holds a grudge against a perceived hurt by another that person has power over you or at least your thinking processes. If it's a serious wrong, I can forgive and move on but I'll put distance between me and that person because they're not healthy to be around. That's just me. *shrugs*
Sia McKye Over Coffee
Eve -- I like "I Will Survive" and it's a good choice, but not the song I chose.
ReplyDeleteSia -- The learning concept is partly like the touching the hot stove idea. You learn not to do it again. There are many lessons to be learned from emotional pain stemming from relationship issues. We can learn from them or not. Surviving emotional pain is no fun, but in the longer term I think it firms us up and gives us experience to draw upon. It can be especially useful for writers. I tend to move away from those who have hurt me and don't seem to care one way or another. Why waste time with them when there are so many other relationship possibilities to be had.
Lee
Although I am supposed to be resting after my two shoulder shots felt I had to comment, Bearing grudges is NOT A GOOD THING, My daughter and elder son does and believe me I HAVE suffered these past few years making my health go down a downward slide.I still don't know what I have or have not done wrong, So folk PLEASE DON'T bear grudges sit down and talk things over,
ReplyDeleteYvonne.
I agree with Yvonne that it's much better to talk things out. So many people end relationships over the slightest things, and often regret it years later.
ReplyDeleteJulie
Yvonne -- I would rather discuss the problem to see how valid it all is. Sometimes there are just silly misunderstandings.
ReplyDeleteJulie -- Relationships are investments. Might as well get a return on them and give back what we can. Later regrets don't help much.
Lee
While I do not think that pain is required to learn, I can attest to the fact that the process of having gone through some tough things can leave you with an ability to feel things in a very strong way.
ReplyDeleteIt is much like being bestowed with a special gift and then it all depends on how you use that gift. Some people will not even realize they have received the gift and squander it while others can use it to a wonderful advantage.
Life is strange in that way- we are not all given the same things and yet we all have the chance to do anything we want. We just get different paths to do it on.
Jasmine-- Very true. If we don't learn something or somehow become better from experiencing pain or difficulty, that experience has been suffered for no good reason. We should all try to make the best of everything that comes our way.
ReplyDeleteLee