Today my blog has been hijacked by a Ninja Captain--or should I say The Ninja Captain. Need I say anything else? If you don't know who I'm talking about then you must be new to blogging and must check out the links at the end of this post.
A Love Story, by Ninja Captain Alex J. Cavanaugh
Thank you Lee for allowing me to grace your blog on this most auspicious occasion. What occasion you may ask? Why, the celebration of the two-year anniversary of SyFy’s Sharktopus!
That’s right – two years ago, the cinematic crapterpiece that is Sharktopus graced the screens of at least a dozen TV sets across America. Conceived and created by a station desperate for cash and willing to torture its viewers to get it, Sharktopus was unleashed on September 25, 2010 to an unsuspecting public. Years of love and adoration for truly awful filmmaking peaked that night, and the small screen has never been the same.
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To celebrate this epic low point in movie history, and in case you’ve not had the torturous pleasure of sitting through the film, I am offering my original play-by-play of Sharktopus. That’s right – the Ninja Captain risked both sanity and IQ points to sit through this cinematic marvel. Thus I present to you, in its entirety:
Sharktopus: A Play-by-Play
Did you catch this SyFy disaster Saturday night? Fear not! Though it was far worse than expected, I suffered through the event, just for YOU. There were far better things on TV that night, as well. I caught glimpses of the Boise State game during the commercials, and let me tell you, that Smurf-blue field looked far more enticing. But I stuck it out so that I could present to you:
My thoughts while watching Sharktopus, recorded by the minute.
3 min – The “ding” of the elevator sounds just like my microwave oven chime.
7 min – They didn’t waste any time with pesky details like plot or exposition.
10 min – Roger Corman must have pictures of Eric Roberts with a donkey or something.
13 min – Roberts isn’t even trying. I think he’s cold-reading the script from cue cards.
15 min – Hot woman on beach – the movie is getting better.
16 min – Oh wait, Sharktopus killed her. Movie sucks again.
19 min – Not so attractive woman goes bungee jumping. I’m okay with her dying.
30 min – Various shots of sun-soaked, bikini-clad hotties flashes across the screen. This should be the centerpiece of the film.
37 min – Sharktopus attacks sunbathers. The CGI is so bad I find myself growing nostalgic for a guy in a big rubber suit.
42 min – A man tells Roberts there’s something on TV he has to see. I’m pretty sure it’s not Sharktopus.
44 min – The lead actress’s voice keeps shifting from British to American. She must’'ve studied at the Kevin Costner Robin Hood School of Acting.
62 min – Pretty sure Roberts is drunk. Lucky bastard.
64 min – They should rename “SyFy Saturday Night” to “SyFy Saturday Craptacular.”
73 min – The upside to being eaten by Sharktopus: you don’t have to sit through the rest of Sharktopus.
80 min – A pirate radio DJ mocks Sharktopus and is devoured. This is a life lesson, people!
83 min – Sharktopus just pantsed some guy. That was… awkward.
93 min – No really, Roberts is hammered. This guy was on a three-day bender shooting this film.
98 min – The movie just morphed into a Puerto Vallarta travelogue. Or a bad Bollywood film. Not sure which.
107 min – Roberts is killed by Sharktopus and there was much rejoicing.
110 min – Our hero now intends to run over Sharktopus with a minivan. Hope he’s insured.
122 min – Sharktopus is arrested on tax evasion charges. Movie over. More rejoicing!
You no longer have to waste two hours of your life! You can thank me by sending Hot Tamales…
Alex J. Cavanaugh
68 comments:
Thanks again, Lee!
"73 min – The upside to being eaten by Sharktopus: you don’t have to sit through the rest of Sharktopus."
This line cracked me up although the whole of the play by play piece was hilarious Alex, great writing buddy and thanks so much for filling us all in on Sharktoctopus so we don't have to sit through it, those Syfy original movies are just horrendous, I don't know why they make them so bad.
LOL!!!!! Lordy, lordy.... guess I'll be avoiding Sharktopus like the very plague it is.
Your play-by-play, Ninja-man, was hilarious and I'm so glad you suffered through the crapload of cinemastic implosion to give us that happy bit of wit.
Thanks guys!
Thanks for the laugh Capt. Ninja!
Ha!! I love this play by play, Alex. You've gotten my day started out with a smile. :) Please, please let me never write anything as bad as Sharktopus...
I'm guessing there's a very good reason I'd never heard of this movie before ;)
DId it SERIOUSLY end with a tax evasion charge?!?! That's classic.
Yeamie, consider it my civic duty. Feel free to visit sometime.
Cathy, glad I could amuse you!
Elizabeth, or even worse - please don't let SyFy ever make a movie out of my books!
Trisha, it would've been better if it had ended with tax evasion...
Well, see now...you've made this so campy funny, I want to see it. What would make it even sillier,is if it was dubbed Spanish. Hay caramba!
"cinematic crapterpiece" I may have to steal that term!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on Sharktopus. This is one movie I don't plan on watching.
Maybe I should write for SyFy.
Hot tamales,
Shelly
I now have this sadistic urge to go watch Sharktopus . . .
Leigh, it could only help!
Sean, feel free.
Shelly, you should.
Sheila, guard those brain cells if you do!
Thank you for watching it for us and sparing us the pain.
Thanks, Lee, for hosting Alex! Wow, Alex, I appreciate your sacrifice on our behalf. Yes, I really do! We should take up a collection and send you chocolate or something to offset the pain and suffering.
Funny . . .I can't believe you managed to sit through it . . .although I can see how the commercial breaks could help. I did catch myself watching a super dumb movie once just because I couldn't believe how bad it was . . .
I have no response to this.
:P
Karen, a case of Hot Tamales. And a pizza!
Tyrean, you just described Sharktopus.
Andrew, that good or bad?
LOL! I love this: 42 min – A man tells Roberts there’s something on TV he has to see. I’m pretty sure it’s not Sharktopus.
So funny!
How can you sit through such an awful movie? I fear I would have put a gun to my head. Very funny though. Poor Eric Roberts. He should fire his agent. Or maybe his agent should fire him.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention in my comment on your blog, congrats on your progress with CassaStorm! Lucky CPs!
Loved all of this but it was the line at 42 minutes that got the lol from me.
OH, I'm LMAO over this commentary. *wiping the tears of laughter from my face* I so needed that laugh, Alex and Lee.
Honestly, I wouldn't even have watched it. Hmm, Sharktopus ate the dude who dissed him on the radio? How close are you to the ocean? Just sayin'
Sia McKye OVER COFFEE
i must see this crap monkey fest... it sounds awesome.
Hi Lee - great post by Alex .. he's had everyone in stitches laughing ...
Thank goodness I don't have to sit through Sharktopus .. though with a few friends I guess the belly laughs might start flowing ..
Saved me 120 minutes!! ... cheers Hilary
Thanks, Cherie - one of my favorite lines.
Nancy, I'd promised the Army I would... And thanks!
LD, that's my favorite as well!
Sia, he was broadcasting from a houseboat. Although with SyFy movies, those pesky details don't matter anyway.
Jeremy, at least you know what to expect.
I'd watch this! I have no sense of shame.
We're having fun today, Alex. Nice way to end my Hijack! series.
Lee
Hahaha! Thanks for saving me from spending two hours in torture! Great play by play summary!
You should see super shark. That thing can take out an F-16! Actually, just watch the trailer.
Hysterical. Love it.
Lee, hope I can send it out with a bang!
Matthew, I actually tried watching that one...
Alex-
"Sharktopus" is part of a long line of Sy Fy classics that includes the coma-inducing "Highlander: The Source," the root-canal-like "Jersey Shore Shark Attack," and the less-fun-than-a-colonoscopy blockbuster, "Pirahnaconda."
Larry
This post lifted my deflated spirits Alex, Thank you and thanks to Lee for hosting you.
Yvonne.
This was so funny that you actually made me want to see it now. :D
Larry, and I'm sure they will keep coming...
Yvonne, that's good to hear!
Elise, watch with care...
2 years?! It's been 2 years?!!!!
Wow. I still love your play-by-play review.
Great play by play! I think I need to go watch it again! My daughter and I give Sharktopus his own lines throughout the movie. I especially love the end scene when he is clambering over the shallow pool after the hero I gave him a Pooh Bear-like hum.
lol! Thank you for the recrap, I mean recap, ;D
Really 2 yrs...how many Hot Tamales is that Captain?! lol
This was fun! Thanks, I needed this laugh~
LOL. That was hilarious!
"19 min – Not so attractive woman goes bungee jumping. I’m okay with her dying."
Hah! I love it. :) Thanks for the recap, Alex!
Thanks, Lynda. Doesn't seem that long, does it?
Heather, as long as it makes you happy.
Ella, at least two cases of Hot Tamales.
Golden and Carrie, glad you enjoyed it!
Just wanted to say Hi Lee! Do you like Hot Tamales too? ;D
Alex, I really, really needed the laughs!
Lee, it was a brilliant idea to end the series with Alex :)
Ella, it's funny that you should ask. Actually I love Hot Tamales and usually have a box on my desk. Right now I have an open box of Good & Plenty because they were on sale, but I do have a couple of boxes of Hot Tamales in reserve under my desk. I have a real candy weakness that I'm trying to beat. Maybe I should take up alcohol instead.
Damyanti, Alex's post makes a grand closing to my series.
Lee
This cracked me up. I was smiling at the 7 minute mark, and chuckling at the 13 min. mark and belly laughing from then on. This blog was fabulous.
love, LinnAnn
http://linnannpike.blogspot.com
LinnAnn-- Thanks for stopping by and glad you enjoyed Alex's post. It looks like you have mastered the signature link. Good job. It makes it easier to find your blog.
Lee
There's nothing like the genetic blending of a shark and an octopus to create a triumph in modern cinema.
Jamie @ Mithril Wisdom
I'm sure your version is much better! This kind of reminds me of the old SNL Jaws spoof "Land Shark." Very funny Alex! Thanks Lee! Julie
Oops, I refered to it as Sci Fi not SyFy. Guess that shows how longs it's been. Sharktopus unbelievable, but your play-by-play should be on SNL. Funny stuff, thanks for the laughter.
Damy, glad I could make you laugh!
Lee, you trying to hide Hot Tamales from me?
Thanks, LinnAnn!
Julie, they never see the land shark coming...
Thanks, Yolanda!
I wouldn't have watched Sharktopus anyway, but thanks for the blow by blow, sounded 'delightful', I am surprised you didn't turn it off after the woman got eaten.
Thanks for hosting the Ninja Captain Lee.
Lol I think I saw the trailer once and just burst out laughing at how terrible it looked.
It's up there with Dinocroc vs. Supergator in awesomeness is what you are saying, right Alex?
I think we must've seen different movies... this was easily the finest movie ever put to film. You can't expect someone to be British ALL the time, c'mon. Movie snob. :-D #Sarcasm
Hilarity! I don't know if this is the desired effect, but I really HAVE to watch Sharktopus now.
I'm off to find out what a Hot Tamales is...
Lee-I love Good n' Plenty, pass some to me ;D
Alcohol...nah!
Get some protein bars(Zone or Balance Bars) taste like candy and keeps the bs happy! BS=blood sugar ;D
They even have Brownie ones and the PB ones rock!
Holly, beyond those movies!
EJ, I'm just picky like that.
I haven't seen this yet, but have come across it. Even though it sounds bad, I want to see it.
I never saw it and now I never will!
Thanks for that Alex... I owe you!
Medeia, you've been waarned.
Pat, just doing my civic duty!
Thanks for the warning. I will stay away!
Soo funny! Great play by play. Glad I missed the real thing. :)
Ciara and Kathy, just say no.
Pretty darned funny, Alex.
Hey Lee and hey Alex!
Yes, I'm here, much to your relief.
Thank you kindly for this chronological review of what must surely be one of your favourite films.
Still, nonetheless, thanks for suffering on our behalf. With a bit of luck, they shall show it over here on the "Horror Channel".
See ya. Must go and practice the alphabet, right Lee?
All the best to both of you and enjoy your weekends.
Thanks, Patricia!
Gary, my civic duty to endure it so you don't have to...
Fantastic play-by-play. I want to go watch the movie even more now. I enjoy watching hot girls in bikinis getting eaten by scientifically created creatures. I hope you mean Hot Tamales the cinnamon candy because that is all I have.
PTM, I will take your candy! Wow, that just sounds wrong...
Okay, I've been hysterically laughing for the last 5 minutes. Too funny.
This made my day. Thx.
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