Today my blog has been hijacked by a Ninja Captain--or should I say The Ninja Captain. Need I say anything else? If you don't know who I'm talking about then you must be new to blogging and must check out the links at the end of this post.
A Love Story, by Ninja Captain Alex J. Cavanaugh
Thank you Lee for allowing me to grace your blog on this most auspicious occasion. What occasion you may ask? Why, the celebration of the two-year anniversary of SyFy’s Sharktopus!
That’s right – two years ago, the cinematic crapterpiece that is Sharktopus graced the screens of at least a dozen TV sets across America. Conceived and created by a station desperate for cash and willing to torture its viewers to get it, Sharktopus was unleashed on September 25, 2010 to an unsuspecting public. Years of love and adoration for truly awful filmmaking peaked that night, and the small screen has never been the same.
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To celebrate this epic low point in movie history, and in case you’ve not had the torturous pleasure of sitting through the film, I am offering my original play-by-play of Sharktopus. That’s right – the Ninja Captain risked both sanity and IQ points to sit through this cinematic marvel. Thus I present to you, in its entirety:
Sharktopus: A Play-by-Play
Did you catch this SyFy disaster Saturday night? Fear not! Though it was far worse than expected, I suffered through the event, just for YOU. There were far better things on TV that night, as well. I caught glimpses of the Boise State game during the commercials, and let me tell you, that Smurf-blue field looked far more enticing. But I stuck it out so that I could present to you:
My thoughts while watching Sharktopus, recorded by the minute.
3 min – The “ding” of the elevator sounds just like my microwave oven chime.
7 min – They didn’t waste any time with pesky details like plot or exposition.
10 min – Roger Corman must have pictures of Eric Roberts with a donkey or something.
13 min – Roberts isn’t even trying. I think he’s cold-reading the script from cue cards.
15 min – Hot woman on beach – the movie is getting better.
16 min – Oh wait, Sharktopus killed her. Movie sucks again.
19 min – Not so attractive woman goes bungee jumping. I’m okay with her dying.
30 min – Various shots of sun-soaked, bikini-clad hotties flashes across the screen. This should be the centerpiece of the film.
37 min – Sharktopus attacks sunbathers. The CGI is so bad I find myself growing nostalgic for a guy in a big rubber suit.
42 min – A man tells Roberts there’s something on TV he has to see. I’m pretty sure it’s not Sharktopus.
44 min – The lead actress’s voice keeps shifting from British to American. She must’'ve studied at the Kevin Costner Robin Hood School of Acting.
62 min – Pretty sure Roberts is drunk. Lucky bastard.
64 min – They should rename “SyFy Saturday Night” to “SyFy Saturday Craptacular.”
73 min – The upside to being eaten by Sharktopus: you don’t have to sit through the rest of Sharktopus.
80 min – A pirate radio DJ mocks Sharktopus and is devoured. This is a life lesson, people!
83 min – Sharktopus just pantsed some guy. That was… awkward.
93 min – No really, Roberts is hammered. This guy was on a three-day bender shooting this film.
98 min – The movie just morphed into a Puerto Vallarta travelogue. Or a bad Bollywood film. Not sure which.
107 min – Roberts is killed by Sharktopus and there was much rejoicing.
110 min – Our hero now intends to run over Sharktopus with a minivan. Hope he’s insured.
122 min – Sharktopus is arrested on tax evasion charges. Movie over. More rejoicing!
You no longer have to waste two hours of your life! You can thank me by sending Hot Tamales…
Alex J. Cavanaugh
