I've Got Nothing (#IWSG)

        I'm back with another installment for the  Insecure Writer's Support Group.  I missed the December meeting due to the loss of my mother and having to help tie up loose ends regarding what she left behind.  Nothing like the passing of someone close to put ones own life in perspective.    If you're unaware of what the #ISWG is, you can visit the blog of Alex J. Cavanaugh for more information and the list of bloggers who are members of the group.  

       We've been asked to tell something about ourselves in this round.  I've got a whole blog related to that and if you want to know more about me you can visit my presently dormant memoir blog Wrote By Rote.   The short story is that I've been blogging since 2009 writing about all kinds of stuff.   I am the founder of the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge (yes, you can blame me for that).    I sometimes may appear to lack direction but hopefully there is method to my madness.  

       And now for what's on my mind in this first #ISWG post of 2015:    

Judean hills (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I've Got Nothing

        Well, it finally happened.  My computer had been faltering for near two years, maybe more, and on this past Monday morning it totally crashed.  I got up in the morning and it was off and there was no way that I was able to turn it back on.  I had nothing.  Kaput.  Dead.

         Fortunately though, as I think I mentioned a few months ago, while I was with my mother in Tennessee last summer she let me have my late step-father's computer which had barely been used and is like new.  It's a Lenovo.  I've heard they're good, but I don't know much about such things.  All I know is so far it works at lightning speeds compared to my old HP which I had purchased back in 2007.  It served me fairly well and I liked it when it was working good, but I think I should have gotten better service in the long run.

         The bad thing about my computer crash is that I now can't access my files on that HP hard drive.  Fortunately I did back most important things on an external drive so all is not lost, but it is kind of a hassle for a computer dummy like me.  In a way it's kind of like starting over.  Maybe not such a bad thing, but so far I'm not sure.  Right now I'm so astounded by my ability to work faster that I'm not yet noticing a lot that might be missing from my new computer and what programs I'll have to re-install or things that I'll need to add back into these files.   No biggie for the time being and for now I've got other fish to fry.  In fact, tomorrow I'm fixing tilapia for dinner--but now I'm digressing into silliness.

         Back to Monday though when I was brooding over losing my computer and everything in it and trying to avoid what to me was a daunting task of setting up this Lenovo, I began to contemplate on what might happen if I had nothing as related to my writing.   Over the years I've accumulated all of these near finished novels and notes for possible books.  I've got stories, essays, poetry, and songs that are waiting for me to act upon them.  And I've got nothing to show for any of this other than a small file of rejection letters from many years ago.  What the heck am I doing anyway?

         Sometimes I fantasize--or maybe it's more like a nightmarish fixation--about scrapping everything.  Throwing away everything that I've ever written, outlined, or scribbled notes about.   Good-bye massive accumulations of paper and amassed computer files hidden away in these machines I have around the house.  Perhaps I should begin anew and forget everything that ever came before.   

        No, that's not me.  I am the eternal pack rat.   The hoarder who files my life in cabinets, boxes, and stacks in closets and on desks.  I've got a lot of stuff, but nothing tangible to show for it.   I've got my blog and that's something I guess.   And since this is nobody's fault but my own I probably should just shut up about it.   Maybe I can drag everything into my writing office and immerse myself in papers like a pig wallowing in the mud.

          Actually I'm probably making all this sound worse than it really is, but it's #IWSG day and I wanted to come up with some drama--a seemingly insurmountable situation of insecurity.  Insecurity of epic proportions--a writer's worst nightmare.   Losing everything.  Having nothing.

        In addition to all this, my most recent Battle of the Bands post used the song "I Got Plenty O' Nuttin'" and I'm still taking votes on the readers' favorite versions.  It's a heck of a contest right now but I'd still like to get more votes on it.  If you haven't visited the post and cast your vote please click on this link.  I've gotten a lot of votes so far, but being avaricious about my BOTB posts I want to get as many votes as I can.  

       Yeah, I'm terrible I know using this #IWSG post to promote my BOTB post.  But there is truth in this post and I really am insecure about having nothing and all that rot.   In fact, I am assuredly insecure about everything.   Sorry about my shameless plug.  I didn't mean to shamelessly promote anything here.

        Oh, and by the way, sign-ups for the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge begin on January 26.  I'm not promoting anything, I'm just saying it.   Who me--promote?  Would I ever do such a thing?

        Do you ever think about just shucking it all and starting over from scratch?   What do you know about Lenovo computers?    Are you planning to join us for the A to Z Challenge in April?

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Losing and Coping: What Is Important to You?

          Halloween has at times seemed like the center of my life for the past two decades. Anyone who works a seasonal job or a job with periods that are particularly active can probably identify with this. Sometimes our work becomes such a big deal in our lives that it seems like there's nothing else, but then things slow down a bit and we find our way back to who we really are. Like a costumed Halloween character, does work mask the real you?  What is the real center of your life?

          When I was in the Halloween business, especially during September and October I put a lot of time and energy into the work.  But I tried not to lose the balance that I made a effort to maintain throughout the rest of the year.  I had my duties for several years as a single father raising three daughters and later as a husband with a step-daughter added to our combined family. I tried to keep up with church activities as much as time would allow. I would try to follow my favorite radio programs during work hours and keep abreast of the news. In any way possible I made every attempt to live my regular life with a lot more work hours added in.  I spent a lot frantic time running here and there, getting up very early and going to bed very late.  But it felt good.
            For me there's something about the pressure of meeting deadlines and having an abundance of work that is invigorating, exciting, uplifting.  I see it as positive stress.  It is all rush rush get it done and then later there is the satisfaction of having achieved the goal and knowing it starts again the next day. It was tiring, but I always knew that once Halloween came then it was  back to a more relaxing routine again for the next ten months. The adrenaline rush can be great for a span, but the times of rest are a necessity.
            Then that side of my life ended.  My daughters had already moved away from home leaving my wife and I in our empty nest. Still it was no time to get depressed or bemoan my losses.  In losing my job I didn't lose me, in fact I now have more time for me and things I didn't have time for when I was working full time. Now I'm busy doing the me things and sitting back to just take it easy if I need to.  Sure I'll need to be doing something soon about my income situation, but I'm not overly concerned because I still have the Center Of My Life.  Since childhood I've always kept God nearby. Some may scoff, but He's never let me down.  There have been times when I've turned my back on God, but He has always been there behind me to catch me when something's tried to knock me down. Even if it seemed I was forgetting God, He was always somewhere deep inside where I could call upon Him when I was ready for Him to help. I've had my share of loss and disappointment -- divorce, death, rejection, you name it -- and God has always been there to  help me get back up to do whatever it was I needed to do.  Don't mind saying it cause it's just the way I feel and it's always worked for me.
           Sometimes I hear terrible stories of people committing suicide or committing acts of murder or harm due to losses.  People who lose their jobs, their homes, or their families and they just can't bear their loss. A home or a possession or a position in life or any person should not be the "center of one's life".  All of these have the potential of being temporal assets that can be taken from you unexpectantly at any time. God is a constant. Even to an atheist God is a constant -- the atheist constantly feels the need to disprove and deny His existence.  However, without God what is the real center of life?
            What about you?  What is your center?  Who are you really when everything else is stripped from you?  Is there any person, position, or possession that you absolutely know will be there for you always?  Any of these can be like a Halloween costume.  When Halloween is over you take off the costume and then everyone can see who you really are.  Do you know the real you?